It is utterly impossible, without descending into the deepest of purple prose, to give any accurate description of the deliciously decadent Merchant Hotel. Thus, the reader must forgive an overly-florid description of that which almost defies portrayal through the blunt instrument of the English language. By its own admission, the Merchant is all about indulgence and there can be no doubt whatsoever that this establishment represents the very pinnacle of opulence, extravagance and sumptuousness and it is without doubt the non pareil of indulgence in all of Ireland today. Right from the moment you approach its palatial exterior façade (for those wise enough, this simply must be done in the Hotel’s Bentley which can be hired at reasonable rates), you become immediately aware that the Merchant is no ordinary Hotel.
Like some racy eighteenth century French princess, the Merchant gives wonderfully titillating glimpses of almost obscene opulence through the sternest and most respectable exterior dressing. Constructed in 1857, the Hotel was formally the Headquarters of the Ulster Bank and its stern though welcoming many-pillared Edinburgh Neo-Classical exterior comes as something of a jolting shock, languishing as it does at the end of the currently unspeakably grim Waring Street. Few buildings in this area survived the Blitz of the Docks District by the Luftwaffe in 1941 and the Merchant today finds itself at the fulcrum of the regeneration of the City of Belfast. To one side can be found the increasingly ultra-trendy Cathedral Quarter with its myriad of ghastly, arrogantly self-possessed nightclubs lit up in their garish parody of West End hotspots whilst at the other can be found a series of utterly hideous 1960’s office blocks and treacherous vacant lots. As things currently stand, the Merchant rather brings to mind an image of Marie Antoinette standing stately on her execution podium surrounded by grim bourgeois officials and taunted by the plebeian mob. Certainly, in a manner similar to the ill-fated Reine, the Hotel presents a majestic and imposing front to the world, being constructed of finely carved sandstone topped with well sculpted figures representing Commerce, Justice and Britannia, whilst still displaying coquettishly its inner opulent decadence though titillating glimpses of sumptuous fabrics, crystal chandeliers and antique oils through its many windows.
As a guest of the Hotel, you may be somewhat surprised and slightly horrified to be ushered away from these many splendours as you are whisked away from the grand pillared portico and instead enter through a basement door. The reception area in this sense only hints at the splendours to come, being decorated in a cool antique grey. Only the deep fringed red velvet chair upon which you are placed in order to check-in gives any hint at the utterly overwhelming, almost Imperial Russian opulence to come. Once checked in, if you can send your luggage on, it is well worth exploring the public spaces upon your arrival.
Up a small set of stairs and through the chocolate box cocktail bar can be found the epicentre of this vast temple to indulgence – the Great Room. Formed from the restored former grand banking hall, this space must be one of the most fantastically indulgent rooms anywhere on the island of Ireland.
This space can best be described as being akin to some absinthe drenched Wildeian fantasy of a fin de siècle Parisian Salon as imagined by the set designer of Gone with the Wind. Watched by a myriad of playful and shockingly unabashed allegorical putti which seem to erupt from every inch of the frieze and every pillar capital in the room, one will require a few moments to take in the riot of sumptuous fabrics, stained glass, exotic colours fine antiques and paintings all sensuously lit by velvet and silk covered lamps. In this room, one may dine in great opulence or sink into the gargantuan softness of a velvet sofa and sip tea (or something rather stronger) whilst descending into a delicious intoxication of indulgent reverie. Tea is served with much style in Royal Worcester by a sometimes exotic and always gracious staff who cannot be faulted.
The restaurant is accommodated upon a red velvet and leather podium in the middle of this titanic room, lit in the afternoon by light gently filtered to a soothing pink colour by the etched and stained glass dome in the centre of the room. With its deep fringed crimson velvet furniture, rich carpets and sumptuous lighting at the beginning of the evening, one could easily imagine Scarlet O’Hara waltzing in dressed to the nines in crinoline and diamonds to begin some Confederate Ball. After a few glasses chosen from the expansive wine list, by the end of an evening spent below the celestial host of Putti consuming a divinely rich repast, one would probably be extremely tempted to dash upstairs, don a velvet suit and spend the remainder of the evening in an intoxicated Wildeian conversation of bon mots and delicious reminiscence.
The menu, in keeping with the sensuous splendour of the surroundings, is rich, decadent and luxuriant. Truffles, lobster, venison, terrines, chocolates, sorbets – all combine to give an olfactory stimulation and taste experience which, when combined with the surroundings, is almost euphoric. A true gentleman of course would find it unspeakably vulgar to speak of money in such circumstances, but for present purposes one must make allowances. Eating at the Merchant is not a budget activity by any means but by standards being set in the Republic of Ireland, it represents extremely good value. In any case, in order to experience the divine decadence of the Merchant, one should be more than prepared to throw bank statements and credit cards to the four winds and indulge.
For a nightcap, one may saunter (for one cannot ever countenance rushing in this temple of indulgence) into the Hotel Bar next door. This small but exquisitely decorated room provides an experience rather like sitting in a Victorian chocolate box with its gilt ceilings, wood panelling and paintings. Here one may be presented a myriad of cocktails and drinks (some of which are priced to suit the tastes of an Emir of the East) to increase the general intoxication of the overall experience. For the utterly invigorated, the maximum in strain and stress to be provided by the Merchant is a civilised game of billiards over Cognac and cigars in the quirky Resident’s Billiard Room situated inside the former night safe on the first floor. When entirely overcome with delicious fatigue, one may then gently ascend to your abode of choice.
Rooms and suites at the Merchant are, without exception, extraordinary. All are lined with sumptuous fabrics, decorated with great attention to detail and provided with the most luxurious facilities and accoutrements. For the ultimate in indulgence, take a suite on the fourth floor. During my last stay I slumbered amid the divine crimson surroundings of the scintillatingly delicious C.S Lewis Suite. Here, one will find gargantuan velvet hangings, rich walnut antiques, crimson silk covered walls and two 42 inch plasma televisions (though it is truly a blasphemy to use such a vulgar object amid these lavish surroundings). The ceilings in this part of the Hotel are nearly twenty feet in height and in a proportionately narrow bedroom, this gave the impression of sleeping inside some exotic Oriental Genie’s bottle, one of course praying that no one would care to rub it! Next door to the bedroom can be found the sumptuous sitting room where one may sink in voluptuous comfort into one of three sofas in front of a blazing open fire (make sure you ask to have this lit!). This splendid room may be accessed separately from the bedroom and provides the perfect place in which to entertain supremely jealous friends after dinner. The well proportioned marble lined bathroom was luxuriantly equipped with a gargantuan roll top bath and a shower which was large enough to have been engineered by Harland and Wolff. This truly was the absolute epitome of indulgence and luxury.
Breakfast was served the next morning before the open fire in the sitting room and made for a splendid ending to the perfect stay. There remained only one fatal problem with the Merchant – one will never wish to leave!
I was lucky enough to secure a tour of the remainder of the building with Andrew the devilishly handsome and wonderfully welcoming concierge the following morning. On the fourth floor, I was dazzled as doors were flung open into veritable wonderlands of sumptuousness and magnificence in each of the five suites wherein luxury was heaped upon luxury in seeming wild abandon. The Friel Suite next door was decorated in cool shades of silver and pale blue silk. It also had a large and well proportioned sitting room situated in the middle of the portico to the front of the hotel. This was an utterly splendid room and somewhat larger than the CS Lewis suite but one can only imagine the cacophony of dissonant sounds which would emerge from the Pothouse Club directly across the road at weekends. The CS Lewis is sited to the side of the building, overlooking the side of the Cloth Ear Bar and would therefore be much more quiet. The Larkin suite is decorated in splendid shades of crimson and has a gargantuan double bed and huge bathroom but the sitting room is part of the bedroom itself which seems somewhat less luxuriant than the other suites. The McNeice Suite is again decorated in cool shades of silver and has a titanic bed situated under a huge velvet wallhanging.
Again the suites are by no means inexpensive and by Belfast standards some may consider their price utterly obscene. Having said that however, in Dublin one could hardly secure a standard room in the depressingly minimalist Merrion or ghastly Texan Ranch Four Seasons for a similar sum, so my advice is to strike now before the word gets out. One may, seemingly on Sunday and Thursday night, secure a deal which is a positive snip for one of these impossibly luxuriant suites.
This is not to say however that the “standard” Deluxe rooms in the Merchant are any less opulent. All have similar velvet wallhangings, sumptuous carpets, antique furniture, oil paintings and accoutrements and all are very well proportioned. They merely lack the sitting room space and roll top baths of the suites. With so many amenities, they currently seem to be exceptionally good value.
Overall then, it will be obvious that a stay at the Merchant is an absolute must for anyone visiting Belfast. It is without doubt the most stunningly opulent, splendidly lavish and utterly luxuriant establishment in Ireland and is worth a visit in itself even if you have no wish to visit Belfast. I cannot recommend this newly discovered grand dame enough to everyone. Just remember – when you decide to stay at the Merchant, discard all thoughts of cool chic, minimalism and oriental delicacy. Simply lie back in the voluptuous splendour of the Merchant and abandon your mind to the delicious intoxication of this sumptuously sensuous, divinely decadent and obscenely opulent cathedral of self indulgence.
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d%26#39;you think he liked it?
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For some weird reason, the description of this Hotel, sounds quite like one of the many Motel 6%26#39;s located throughout the US!!!
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I lost the will to live after 2 paragraphs, but I am going there for the first time on Thursday evening so may post a short review. But why on the NICE page??????
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Perhaps because we have been helpful to him on the Nice forum:)
Remember he was thinking of buying a flat.
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I delved deeper and the reviewer is someone called kleyden. When he doesn%26#39;t care for a hotel its even funnier - have a look at his review for the Cannon Hotel in Gibraltar.
http://tinyurl.com/ug6xk
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kleyden, you are one funny human!
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Well, OK, I have to admit my meal in the Merchant hotel in Belfast was pretty good: but I%26#39;m glad I wasn%26#39;t paying for it! I wonder how long the novelty will continue to persuade people to pay these prices outside Mayfair. Time will tell, but as a local I am glad that there is somewhere like this here. At the moment, it does seem to be the place to see and be seen: I%26#39;m off to a work outing there on Saturday, so becoming a bit of a regular. Certainly, anyone visiting Belfast should at least visit, just for a look around.
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The ability to communicate essentials succinctly...well, I%26#39;m afraid I had lost interest by paragraph four. My loss I am sure, but I just think %26quot;heres a guy with a lot of time on his hands%26quot;
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